WOD 120823:

Rest Day.

The “skinny latte” trend.

I have had the same experience three times in the last two weeks. I’m waiting for my “Black Eye” (drip coffee with two shots of espresso), and I see the barista place a drink on the counter and then call out “skinny vanilla latte”. All three times the person who has walked over to pick up the drink—to my surprise—has been a “dude”.

I’m not trying to be an ass, and make fun of your particular drink of choice. I frankly don’t give a fuck if you drink a pink tea hibiscus unsweetened Refresher (Colm), that’s your business. The only reason this stands out to me, as a matter of fact, is because the first time I witnessed the skinny trend was when it caused my six-year-old daughter, Nona, to burst into laughter.

True story… She was waiting on her kid’s hot chocolate, and I was putting cream in my coffee. The barista called the “skinny latte”, and the dude next to Nona grabbed it like he was Carmelita Jeter grabbing the baton on the anchor leg of the 4X100m relay. Nona, reacting without filter (in an awesome kid moment), looked at the dude, then the barista, exclaimed “SKINNY!?”, then burst into laughter. The barista, realizing that a KID was making fun of this mufucka’, immediately burst into laughter himself (in an awesome barista moment). I, being the stoic disciplinarian I am, waited until dude huffed out, then burst into my own wave of laughter—just so Nona would know it’s not appropriate to make fun of adults to their face, only behind their backs (it’s called parenting, people).

I would have thought this was some sort of an aberration, or maybe the guy was taking a drink to his girl because he already had nine cups of the blackest, most bitter coffee on earth, and just couldn’t take another drop because his tongue was going to disintegrate. Then it happened again. And again. I am only left with one assumption—this is a full on phenomenon. Many, many “men” around the world are ordering this drink because they are trying to be…skinny?

Let me tell you how my father, Ed, drinks his coffee. He drinks it black; as black as the inside of the guy from Anthos’s soul (kidding of course). I can actually hear him calling me a pussy every time I put half and half in my coffee. This is a man who got a tattoo IN THE FOURTIES, rode an Indian motorcyle when it was new, fought in the Korean war, and to this day has never weighed more than 175 pounds. He’s in his eighties now, and still drinks approximately nineteen cups of coffee a day. He hates Starbucks, and any other “burnt, overpriced coffee”, because he can have Folgers at home for about $.05 a cup. He has stayed fit enough throughout his life that he once challenged me to a foot race, when I was a college basketball player, and he was IN HIS MID-SIXTIES. I wouldn’t race him.

If a six-year-old girl thinks your drink order is funny, you should probably re-think your drink order. At the very least you sound like a pussy, at worst you sound like an absolute fucking idiot. Why? Because there’s still 160 calories in your “skinny” drink. You might as well get half of a doughnut and have a black coffee—which has ZERO calories in it. At least you’ll be having some fun, and my little girl won’t laugh in your face.

Being a pussy is the new skinny.

101 thoughts on “120823

  1. I like my coffee the same way I like my women. Strong, black, and preferably fair trade.

  2. that is one awesome post, i always want to burst out laughing at such stupidity. i see almost every day, crazy stuff

  3. You can tell how much win is in this post by the number of comments in the first 30 minutes of posting, especially on a rest day. #winning

  4. Great post. I too have witnessed this phenomenon playing out in Australia and can do nothing but laugh. Pussies.

  5. I don’t think we have the black eye in Canada but try a black Komodo Dragon with 4 espresso shots, black of course (because half n half is for the skinny lattes)…

  6. Hahaha.. Fantastic post.. When you come to Copenhagen in november you should order a ‘motor oil’ @ a place called kaf’bar (short for coffee shop) that shit will have you hitting the toilet in no time. And it tastes good too… Have a nice day

  7. Being from Seattle, I see this every time I have to stop at Starbucks or any of the other million and a half coffee stands/shops in the area… This is why I just brew my own coffee at home, I too laugh at the 300lb guy drinking his 20oz ‘skinny’ white chocolate caramel moca frappacino….

  8. “I’m not trying to be an ass, and make fun of your particular drink of choice. I frankly don’t give a fuck if you drink a pink tea hibiscus unsweetened Refresher (Colm), that’s your business.”

    1) You ARE trying to be an ass
    2) You ARE making fun of a particular drink of choice
    3) You give many fucks

    Funny post, but don’t attempt to deceive yourself and the reader of your intentions.

  9. That is some funny ass shit…so even at 6 yrs old, your daughter recognizes, and appropriately calls out, a mangina…..

  10. Coach N for President or something cool. Same conversation my Dad and I have about lame coffee and drinks. Dennis Leary has a great bit on this.

  11. 30 oz coffee (usually iced because its summer and im already sweating), four shots of espresso. anything less tastes like water.

  12. Your dad and my dad should get together over a cup of Folgers (his preferred drink as well), have some laughs over all the bullshit people spout and tell war stories of Korea and Vietnam (I don’t call it Nam cause I wasn’t f’n there).

  13. Looking at my half n half right now, then looking down at my package, then half n half, then package…..sigh. …hopefully my masculinity will return before lifting tomorrow.

  14. I want all of you to know that while reading this post I was enjoying my skinny vanilla latte…bitches

  15. This is another reason why I’m addicted…posts like this-I just had to say something for the first time ever! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
    Your dad must be proud of you AND your daughter!! My father and grandfathers will be happy to know…there are men still embracing manhood! Props to the parenthood thing but your daughter was freaking fabulous!! What a natural!

  16. Wait till you come down to MIAMI and have some CUBAN coffee! Shit wakes up the dead…and its just a shot!

  17. Now that Beastmodal Domains is done writing, and Drywall doesn’t write anymore, I find that this is the most entertaining “exercise” blog on the internet. Great post Rudy!

  18. That was great. Although Ed wouldn’s approve, my wife and I get heavy whipping cream in our coffee. Most people are shocked when fit people eat bacon and cream.

  19. Basically, it’s not OK to express yourself or act in any way that we don’t approve of.

  20. “If a six-year-old girl thinks your drink order is funny, you should probably re-think your drink order. At the very least you sound like a pussy, at worst you sound like an absolute fucking idiot. Why? Because there’s still 160 calories in your “skinny” drink.”

    So she would laugh at an ignorant female too? Otherwise, this just sounds sexist. A real man shouldn’t care about reducing calories? I don’t get it. Sounds like advertising/marketing is having an effect on this little one.

    • You should write a well researched and sited paper about this blog post. I am sure it was meant to be contemplated as much as you are analyzing it.

  21. Funny..that’s the only thing I order at Starbucks is a blackeye,, without the creme though. Funny post man

  22. coffee ?? its all about strawberries and cream with extra soy…. actually three shots with
    some cream will do …

  23. man up means putting on kirkland jeans and getting into larp these days and holding a dirty dishtowel while your daughters get the pier angeli and natalie wood treatment courtesy of wayne gretzky and marky mark with conrad blacks travelling stygian show we call the western culture. whites run the vaccum cleaner on their inisides and wonder where all the men have gone we are in terminal decline because of the vaccum treatment all bets are off and the couch is a better polace than being an accessory to the vacuum cleaner courtesy of mortgenthaler and merck.

  24. It’s like you entered my mind and said every thing I’ve ever wanted to say. Solid.

  25. As a quad espresso man, I applaud your comments! I cringe every time I see someone order one of those fru fru drinks.

  26. I am a former Marine and crossfit coach and the amount of pussy out there has me dumbfounded. Like it is now cool to be a sissy. God please let this trend stop before we get taken over by France. Men need to drink there coffee black, beer without fruit and eat there steaks bloody.
    Have a great day

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