How to win at competitive exercise by running over your teammates with a whole car.
This is the sound of me punching myself in the fucking face (it’s loud, trust me).
Why am I punching myself in the face?
Because less than a week after I wrote this: 120208.
I watched this (fast forward to 2:00ish):
Go ahead, watch it again. I’ll wait…
Did that remind anyone else of this?
I don’t want to sound crazy, but someone deserves to be thanked for coming up with the idea for a “WOD” that ended with a seemingly sweet young lady being eviscerated by the front fender of a police car like she was coming across the middle against Patrick Willis.
Yes, I said someone should be thanked. Why? Because now THE ENTIRE WORLD thinks we’re complete fucking idiots (again). Congrats. Every person who tells his friend he wants to try “the sport of fitness” will say, “You mean that getting run over by a car workout—I’ll stick to the treadmill.” As if we didn’t have enough general douche-baggery, now we’ve got an EPIC FAIL that can be replayed for the next million years.
I know, I know, you were trying to be cool and edgy with that “WOD.” You saw the fat asses on the Biggest Loser do it and thought it’d be cool to see real
athletes exercisers doing it. You probably even gave it a cool/edgy name like “Run Like you Stole Something” (I don’t know—I suck at puns). Here’s what you didn’t factor in the “It’s gonna be dope, dude—they’re pulling a cop car” equation…
When the 220# “California Bear,” Jason Khalipa, is pulling the rope that’s attached to the cop car, it’s gonna be hard for a 120# lady to keep up with his big ass. Khalipa don’t know pace; Khalipa know win (don’t know why I did the Tonto voice for Khalipa). It’s science or physics or just mufuckin’ common sense—If you TIE A HUMAN BEING TO A MOVING CAR something bad is probably gonna happen.
Look, you want to design an exciting WOD, then write the next “Amanda.” That WOD is the ESSENCE of the sport of fitness. Pulling a car around a track is about as good of a test of fitness as this:
Believe it or not, the car pull may not be as stupid as the final event from last weekend’s Garage Games One team event.
First, let me set the stage for you… Rich Froning, the fittest man alive, brought a team. Brandon Phillips was there with team 2Pood. There were enough high-level exercisers there to make a mini Games.
And do you want to know what they chose for the final event…?
Stop going to these events. Stop trying to win $20 trophies.
I love this sport—please don’t let it be ruined.